ego is easy

maybe honesty is the opposite of ego. or at least the first step in addressing the ego that overwhelms. ego isn’t necessarily a bad thing, or such has been said. when ego gets in the way of personal development is the point it needs to be assessed. what is my purpose? why am i here? what inflates ego and how can my actions deflate it? sometimes i just want to stop thinking of myself.

this morning i woke hyperventilating. a dream that i was attacking another woman frightened me to the point of disbelief. except i could believe it, all too well. the woman i was attacking was a target, a trigger, i was trying to get rid of her, to get rid of the ego that comes with making my mark, staking my claim. if honesty is what it takes to confront these internal emotions i allow myself to see only in the safety of sleep, then i need to be honest. i need to sleep. i need my mental health back.

i guess that’s the issue, i feel like something has been taken from me. i feel like i’ve lost control of a situation, that the control is a distant memory i can’t help but hold onto. i can’t help but hold onto what, or who, took it away from me. but i have to let go to move on, or such has been said over and over. i could rant here like i have thru poetry and prose or i could choose to take another route, another action. the difference between description and action is another conversation. for now i’ll explain what action i took.

i drew two cards from a deck decorated with goddesses, dipped in mythological meanings and future possibilities. the two card cross is a quick, easy way to address your feelings and maybe begin to view them in a new light, lit by the magic of the every day, of our every breath. the first sentences in my goddess index told me:

1.     ‘there is no rest for the woman, for nightmares torment her sleep.’ (nine of swords)

2.     ‘in a dream, the woman sees five conflicting aspects of herself, each one a warrior armed with a stave.’ (five of staves)

the accessibility of these opening lines astounded me, as the cards always do. they further informed me of my dream, the pain associated with it and the resulting opportunity for catharsis. the woman on the card is sitting under nine swords yet on top of a pillow. under the pillow, the eye of isis represents feminine understanding, an understanding the woman will only come to once she realizes worries rising to the surface simply means they are leaving her.

this isn’t an easy realization to make when your ego has the best of you, when you think you’re constantly under attack, below the ever-glaring glint of nine swords. so, how to overcome this anxious sensation? the five of staves shed further understanding on my current conflict.

was i really at war with another like i assumed when i woke? or was the person a version of myself i couldn’t come to terms with, as if i wanted to destroy that part of me. reading the meaning of the card showed me there is always more than one way of looking at a situation. that ego driving perspective can add fuel to fire until a point you might not even be sure what you’re so upset over.

i could choose to look at my issue as an endless haunting or i could choose to accept it for its opaque reality. either way, in order to move on, to accomplish my catharsis, i had to look at myself for the answers. i had to accept that the root of the problem as well as its resolution was already in me. to be able to find it, i have to stop fighting myself. to be able to find it, i have to stop distracting myself with worries of someone else.

 

 

 

catch business is a person and a poet. her chapbook is here. her blog is here. she lives and dies daily in denver.